How to talk with a child about difficult emotions?
The appearance of the first words is a preview to more effective communication between the child and the parent. Despite language development, effective communication can still pose difficulties for both parties. How to check if your communication with your child is good and effective? It is worth considering the dialogue with the child. Do you use messages, which - though dictated by care - act as communication locks?
The child is excited and the parent is ...
A child who experiences strong emotions, a failure or faces problems can give the impression of needing guidance. Adults often feel obliged to give specific advice, to mobilize ("Nothing happened"), or give an example of good behavior from your own experience ("If I were in your place ..."). Sometimes they can overwhelm a number of questions that your child may not be ready for. Although such reactions are a sign of concern, the child may rebel against them or feel even worse. It may even become convinced that its behavior and perception of the situation does not meet parental expectations.
The sight of a worried and suffering child is not easy to bear - therefore, it is a strong temptation to comfort and divert attention. However, if a child is angry at the teacher, regrets about a lost match or sad after losing a beloved toy, attempts to change the topic can only bring a short-term effect. The child will bypass an important lesson of confrontation with his own emotions. Relief will not bring a consolation attempt ("Everything will be fine"), which does not really solve the problem. Nothing gives a rational explanation of the situation, which, however, does not help to cope with emotions.
The world from a 1 m perspective
The adult's perspective also creates the temptation to judge the situation and behavior of the child - "You will understand when you are older". Sometimes it is easy to forget that perceiving the world through the eyes of someone measuring a little more than 1 meter differs significantly from the look of an adult person - therefore a good dialogue should assume an attempt to adopt the child's perspective and enter into his role for a moment.
Good messagesHow to achieve it? How to replace ineffective messages and complement your relationship with your child for a dialogue based on mindfulness and empathy?First of all, it's worth using techniques related to active listening, which make the interlocutor feel and listen. During the conversation with the child, a good start will be to make eye contact - adjusting the position to the child's growth should facilitate looking in the eye. To see how important it is for the conversation, just sit on the floor and try to lead a serious conversation with someone standing above us. Nobody would feel comfortable. When you can freely look at the other person, a sense of respect and trust is strengthened. Your child will certainly feel engaged when you express interest, following the story - asking about some aspects, asking specific questions and encouraging to develop threads ("How do you think, how did this happen?", "Will you tell me more about this?") .Paraphrase - the queen of careful listeningIt is worth repeating in brief the statement of the child, making sure that it was well understood - "So you say that ..." - this will avoid misunderstandings. An important element of the dialogue with the child is to reflect his feelings - naming emotions that are associated with the experienced situation and an attempt to describe why the child feels in a certain way ("Are you disappointed, because Kasia did not invite you to the party?"). Help in naming feelings will positively influence the development of the child's emotional dictionary, thanks to which it will gradually "tame" your emotions. Such a tool will be especially useful when it will experience strong and sometimes difficult emotions. It will help the child to open himself to further dialogue and can be a great introduction to understanding the behavior of oneself and others - to develop emotional intelligence.Using of the above-mentioned techniques requires from parents a lot of courage and confidence that the child is competent enough to solve their problems and that he has the right to experience all kinds of emotions - also those that seem too difficult for a child's age. However, the reward for the effort is priceless - agreement in relation to the child and mutual openness.
Mindfulness is the most important thing
Messages directed to the child shape its development. What counts is awareness and mindfulness, but it is also worth remembering that, as toxicology says - the dose determines the harmfulness of the substance. So, there are no occasional cases of so-called language of non-acceptance treat as a parental failure. A single situation will not immediately mean that the child will have problems with self-assessment or difficulties at school. However, it is worth carefully analyzing the approach to conversations with the youngest. That this building a good agreement will become a standard of everyday communication. In this way, the conversation will become more satisfying for both sides.
Preschooler looking for independence
Inconspicuous milestones
A toddler, who first finds a spoon with his mouth (and by the way smears half of its contents on his face) is not only a charming and funny sight. This is also important information from the child to his parents: "Mom, dad, I'm on the trail of independence!".
Independence from the environment and skills that allow us to realize our passions and face challenges are priceless in the development of every child. However, for the child to enjoy the benefits of independence, it must first learn it. Not necessarily alone.
Parent – model
Parents are not only a source of information, motivation and support – they are also a model that is constantly observed and imitated. Well, when the child sees how parents approach the emerging challenges - they look for the best solution and try to put them into practice, but also know how to ask for help from others.
You can sew a button accompanied by your child, screw in a light bulb or show him how to get the information needed to deal with a problem. If a child has a chance to observe creative strategies of coping with problems, he / she will learn an active attitude to the difficulties encountered. However, to be able to practice new skills, he must have space to experiment.
Largest challenge – nothing to do
For example, when a child decides to take a case into his own hands and willingly takes to peeling mandarins for a family salad, the parent will face a huge challenge to ... do nothing. Although he would certainly like to give valuable tips on how to do the job faster and more neatly. Refraining from interference can, however, bring many benefits - research suggests that the parents of children with a high level of independence are those who do not give too much guidance or do not give away. They react when the safety of the child is endangered, in other words when, for example, a toddler, in order to diversify kitchen adventures, reaches for a steak knife. So, let's leave instructions for another occasion - and let spontaneous activity be a field for self-discovery of your abilities.
Effective praise
Nothing, however, prevents the child from praising! But praise is not equal - avoid assigning features ("smart") - focus on the attitude, praise for taking on new challenges or doing something yourself. If you want to pay attention to the effect, let it not be something general ("nice, cool"), but specific - for example, "you have chosen this fruit very carefully". Thanks to this, building self-reliance gains a positive background that will encourage the child to continue independent activities in the future. Praise is only an external award - its lack does not make the experience useless!
The most valuable here is the prize coming from inside - if the child opens a tightly curled jar of peanut butter, just when his parents will be in another room, he will get the prize for it (we ignore the issue, probably unauthorized, getting into sweetness): feeling that something depends on him, that he has an impact on the world around him.
Independence has many names - at the beginning success in the field of building independence is putting on socks, then lacing shoes, and finally heroic fight with a zip. However, it is worth remembering that independence also applies to critical thinking, drawing conclusions, contacts with others and cooperation. Supporting this aspect of development in the youngest, will be the foundation for the further development of independent action and thinking.
“I REMEMBER THAT I FORGOT"- about supporting children's memory
Memory researchers show that person can remember experiences even when he was still in his mother's belly - newborns prefer mother's voice to the voices of other women, and they definitely prefer to listen to their mother’s rather than a foreign language. Knowing the impressive possibilities of human memory does not make it easier to understand why our seven-year-old needs two hours to learn ten English words. What is worth knowing about the child's memory to help the child manage it effectively?
Do not ask an eight-year-old to remember
A child in the name of a higher value (or play) launches memory processes and can easily recite the principles of a playground game or arrangements for playing at home. At the same time, he cannot cope with the task in which he was asked to remember a series of pictures or words. This is because in case of younger children the involuntary memory is the most effective, i.e. the one that creates memory traces during non-concentrated activity on memorizing. It is not until around the age of 10 that any memory, i.e. one that can be started "on demand", dominates. What is the conclusion for the youngest students? Tasks that require memorization are worth organizing in a way indirectly related to learning by heart. Instead, you can suggest playing with the material to be remembered.
Trust the schoolboy, check the preschooler
Show preschooler a collection of pictures, and he will take a look at them and ensure that he remembers all. Children of this age are not yet able to assess their own memory competences, overestimate their abilities. If the circumstances require a four-year-old to remember certain content, it is worth organizing the activity that facilitates memorizing and then checking the acquisition of the material. When asked about "Remembering?" preschooler, regardless of the actual state of his knowledge, will probably answer "yes".
Shape the strategy as far as possible
The teenager will remember more content than the preschooler, because he will use more sophisticated methods of memorizing. For example, from elaboration, that is, creating associations between passwords. The use of a complex strategy is conditioned by the appropriate stage of development - up to the age of 7 children do not use any memory strategies. Even if they know the names of the objects they want to remember, they do not call them and they do not repeat them - despite having resources, they cannot use them yet. Memory strategies appear gradually - seven-year-olds begin to repeat, ten-year-olds organize content, teenagers enjoy the benefits of associations. It is important to fit the technique to the possibilities. For a child who can already name objects, we can suggest repeating, but do not expect to use more demanding methods. Therefore, it is worth creating new learning methods based on the current capabilities of the child. It is worth remembering that the development of strategy is accompanied by increasingly better effects in memorizing. Monitoring and supporting this process can bring many benefits - educational and not only.
Bibliography
Jagodzińska, M. (2013). Psychologia pamięci: badania, teorie, zastosowania. Gliwice: Wydawnictwo Helion
How to learn?
One is justified by the surprising form of the test? Or maybe "overlearning" as the main culprit of weakening motivation and low results? This may be the result of incorrect selection of learning strategies and lack of knowledge about how to learn effectively. It is worth knowing what to suggest to a child who is less willing to look at books.
School is focused on learning and acquiring skills. Often, however, students do not know what instruments to use while studying. They use very ineffective methods that can lead to reduced motivation or learned helplessness. In less extreme cases, they simply extend learning time and take away the chance of pursuing a hobby or meeting peers. Fortunately, a parent who knows the basics of the learning process can be a great consultant on effective learning.
An individual approach maximizes profits
This time it is not about the individual approach to the child, but about ... the material to be absorbed. It is worth teaching the child the habit of assessing the content they intend to learn. Are they difficult? Extensive? Can science be exhausting? Depending on the specific material, the optimal method should be chosen. The fact that a lot of time should be reserved for long and difficult material should not come as a surprise. However, a longer working time does not mean longer breaks, on the contrary - the more difficult the content to master, the shorter breaks should be made.
How to remember better?
The fact that a child has problems remembering can mean using an ineffective strategy. Repetition itself can prove itself at the beginning of a career in elementary school, then the complexity of the material requires more sophisticated techniques. When looking for a good strategy, it is worth knowing what improves the process of remembering. First of all, it is independence - doing the task yourself significantly increases the memory achievements compared to the situation of watching the task performed by someone else. Instead of presenting how to solve a math problem, support the child in an independent performance - you can praise him for involvement, ask questions to help organize work or indicate the sources in which he can find help.
Good answers - to recognize and produce
For many students, information about the form of checking knowledge is very important - especially the elders know that you can learn differently to the test with open questions, and differently to the one with answers to choose from. What is the difference? Even if the child only reads his notes, during a closed test, he will probably recognize among the unmasking answers the ones he saw in the texts he read. On the other hand, it may have difficulties in extracting unfixed content from memory and failing on tasks requiring reproduction - that is, giving a creative answer in an open question. Reproduction is a multistage, effort-intensive process that takes place on the basis of traces other than recognition. It is worth realizing to a young adept of science that reading (i.e. relying on image marks) is not equivalent to learning (creating verbal traces).
Bibliography
Jagodzińska, M. (2013). Psychologia pamięci: badania, teorie, zastosowania. Gliwice: Wydawnictwo Helion.
Who can replace the smartphone?
The fast career of smartphones has pulled round many specialists who pay attention not only to the benefits, but also to the risks associated with them. The term “phonoholism” or addiction to the phone, quickly gained popularity. However, it is worth knowing what the more subtle symptoms of the incorrect relationship with the phone are - and how to respond to them.
Friendship or toxic relationship?
It is difficult today to expect a child to only use analog toys. In the end, he observes parents who are replying to emails with their smartphone, making appointments to the doctor and paying bills. Vibrating the phone reminds you to drink a glass of water or make birthday wishes. In many cases, a smartphone is a convenient and quick way to manage our reality - an important task for a parent is to teach their children how to use their phone wisely. What if you use it in real needs? Such as:
• a reminder for the test at school,
• instant messaging contacts with friends,
• maybe some photo editing application for a small fan of graphics and photos,
• learning languages, learning about new cultures.
They will be useful for sure. It is important, however, that a young smartphone user, bewitched by his abilities, does not allow his / her addiction to be completely dependent on a flat screen. It is worth talking to your child if the phone will actually make it easier for him to learn or to pursue his passion or to fill time with no benefits.
How many hours means addiction?
The time the child spends with the phone in front of his eyes is not always reliable information on whether his relationship with the smartphone is within the normal range or whether he should pay attention to the parent. It will not be a bad thing either, if the daughter once happens to sink in the blue screen for the whole afternoon, watching photos of the rarest Asian toads. When an eleven-year-old, tired after a very hard day, throws himself on the bed and slides his finger across the screen, we can assume that he really has no strength at all for anything else. However, if it begins to become his everyday life, and a few hours a day with a smartphone is a new tradition, it will be useful to talk about why the phone has become so important.
Phone-therapist...
If the child regularly begins to spend more time sunk in the blue screen, his smartphone can barely cope with the number of applications downloaded, and other areas of life (learning, friends, home duties) begin to go down into the background, it is worth to intervene. It may be helpful to reach the cause of the change in behavior. Some children spend a lot of time with the phone because they cannot organize their own time - instead of planning activities, they count the next steps of the favorite game. Those little ones who started using the phone early may be used to flickering effects on the screen and to quickly change the composition, which is why fewer stimulating ways to spend time may seem boring to them.
... and Parent-Lifeguard
Cutting off the access to the network or setting an hour a day to use the phone will not solve the problem - because the phone is often only a way to express the problem, but it is not in itself. It is worth teaching a child to actively solve problems or creative organization of time, and technology should be treated as facilitating the implementation of needs. Thanks to this, the child will be able to enjoy its benefits without risking that the digital world will keep it too deep.
Speak like children - why do not children understand us?
Sometimes you have to repeat something twice. The noise in the next room, poor coverage, temporary articulation indisposition caused by an unexpected yawn? Peanuts. It's frustrating when you say something with a smile, and you do not see any sense of understanding. You say something for the third time, slowly and clearly, and the child looks as if he saw you for the first time. How to get rid of the superpower of invisibility and talk so that the child understands?
Simple solution
The ability to understand increasingly complex content develops with age and the richness of speech. Therefore, from the first days of life it is worth talking to a child (speech in case babies develops only in contact with another person! Songs for children and audiobooks with fairy tales will not help in that case). As you grow up, it is worth giving a good example, using a varied language and creating the opportunity to learn new words. However, when we come to fulfill duties or situations requiring concentration, we all prefer simple messages. Instead of a lengthy monologue full of stylistic figures and digression, it is better to hear three sentences full of content, but in a cost-effective form. Children are radical fans of simple messages.
Polite - what it means?
In our adult minds, certain words, even if not necessarily transparent and understandable, can be given meaning, which makes them useful in conversation. Everyone has a general idea of what the word "polite" means, although the word is very broad. For some, cleaning up may be more important in politeness, for others opening doors to women or giving way to the elderly. Often this word is simply adapted to the situation.
Do not do it here. Do it somewhere else
Bans that are to be a hint for a child's behavior can also be embarrassing. The behavior to which we try to discourage the child is worth replacing with another, more adequate. If you are taking your child away a possibility to do something, offer him another one. A careful parent warns "Do not wipe your hands on your pants." Okay, so what? There is also a tablecloth. "Wipe your hands on a napkin, lie on the table" is much more helpful.
Formulating appropriate, adequate for the child's ability and age, messages not only save time and avoid frustration, which in the event of a misunderstanding will affect both sides. It is also an easy way to avoid banning your child. By dressing our advice in the form of tips, and not sentences starting with "No", the child will avoid the impression that everything is wrong - but it will be able to take our advice as help and support.
How to detach your child from the computer and TV
Modern technologies have absorbed the rest of our lives and have become a facilitation of work, learning, and variety of games and free time - ours and our children. Internet and television are the most powerful channels of information flow and access is now very easy. Its availability has revolutionized us, and although we are aware of it, we often say enough! Common sense tells us that there are other forms of spending free time.
How do your children spend their time?
• Once he has shut down the computer, he surfs the Internet on his smartphone,
• Tablet is good when they’re bored in the car,
• In free time, it's time for TV, maybe Playstation or Xbox?
• On the hand - in case of a smartwatch,
• Mp3 works well in your ears.
Commonly and sensibly, we must be able to detach children from the abovementioned novelties and technological gadgets at certain times of the day and circumstances. Although it can be quite difficult. What can we do in this? There are some rules below how to detach your child from technology.
1. Give your child time - it's priceless. Just yes, you can distract him from technology.
◦ Why? - The child demands attention, if you focus on it, it will feel important. Sit next to, be with your child, get interested in what he/she did today, learn what, learn about little things and join in with his fun, even the multimedia one, and soon you will change it to another one.
2. Bet on activity and fun! Children love it! Walk, bike, rollerblading, or maybe fun in the wild west or the ball of princesses?
◦ That's it! Feel like a child and join the strangest games that bring you closer. The child will certainly choose the perspective of common madness rather than boring and static watching cartoons.
3. Show your joy from the fact that you spend time with your child!
◦ The child senses insincerity and appreciates authentic manifestations of behavior. Just allow yourself to spend time with your child. A pile of laundry, a two-course dinner with an appetizer and documentation files will wait for 30 minutes and certainly the world will not collapse. The joy of shared moments is the greatest happiness for the child.
4. Talk! As much as possible, honestly and truly - simply.
◦ Conversation is a daily close meeting. Discuss on various topics, ask about your child's opinions in various areas and matters.
5. Teach the child that time spent together is priceless.
◦ This is the most valuable thing you can give your child - your time. Let the child see that on a free Saturday, you prefer to rolerskate with him or go for a picnic with the whole family, instead of spending the afternoon alone in a shopping mall.
6. Challenge? A day without new technologies?
◦ Children enjoy such experiments but we have to play with them.
◦ A family trip with phones off, no computers, tablets and TV can be a fantastic experience.
7. Bet on the family and set a good example! Do not expect changes if you cannot detach yourself from the screen and the phone or TV.
◦ No matter what you are working on, your child will follow your example. Another season of your favorite series? Hours spent in front of the TV screen, we teach that our children.
8. Put the child in the role of an expert in technological innovations. Show him your appreciation as part of positive actions made with the use of a computer.
◦ Praise the choice of a television program or good production - give your child good directions. It will be information for the child, in which directions it is worth moving on the level of new technologies, and for you the opportunity to learn about this world from the inside. If you appreciate the effort put in it, your child will certainly invite you again.
9. Everything is for people, but moderation and common sense are useful always and everywhere.
We will appreciate the fact that our children grow up in the 21st century, full of technological novelties, extra gadgets and great devices. Let's not forget, however, what is family warmth, love and closeness and the warmth of everyday life, which we cannot find on the screens of any devices available today. If we are afraid of a competitor and cannot detach the child from modern technologies, let us try to implement the principle - more ourselves. Even today give your child something more valuable than the media offer - time, attention, interest, warmth and love. The child will always choose what is closer to him.
Bibliography: Myśliwiec K. (2014), Współczesne technologie informacyjne źródłem przemian zintegrowanej edukacji wczesnoszkolnej [w:] Edukacja – technika – informatyka, red. W. Walat, W. Lib, Rzeszów. Uniwersytet Rzeszowski.
Jegier A. (2016), Czas wolny małych dzieci w świecie realnym i wirtualnym. Engram
Coach, Mentor? - How (not) to motivate children?
"Motivation" entered into the search engine gives almost 10 million results. No wonder - it finally stands by all actions. Skillfully used knowledge about it may encourage you to take or give up activity. How to help your child manage their own motivation resources and not to make them dependent on prizes?
Motivation has mainly two faces:
• External - is associated with the expectation of reward for their actions - going to work is motivated by a salary, drawing in a kindergarten - despite the honest reluctance to paint with paints - can end with a good assessment or praise from favorite teacher.
• Internal - the effort is made not because it leads to a tangible effect, but to the pleasure of doing something and the internal reward (joy, satisfaction).
Modern theories of motivation suggest that both types can co-exist in different proportions - this is important information in the context of understanding children's behavior.
Unexpected change of places
Ola, a lover of evenings spent with a brush and paints, starts getting a few zlotys from her parents for each picture. She likes this layout and starts working at a dizzying pace, producing several drawings every day. Parents after some time forget about rewarding the artistic efforts of their daughter and stop giving her money. Shortly after that, Ola leaves her painting corner and becomes interested in playing hockey. What happened? It would seem that the girl's motivation has disappeared. It did not happen, it just changed - from internal to external. And external motivation depends on rewards coming from the environment, not internal ones like joy. Their lack caused Ola's resignation from her beloved hobby. Classical psychology studies show that the activity for which we receive a salary ceases to occupy ourselves for pleasure. The prizes awarded for commitment and results reduce the level of internal motivation.
Acceptance, appreciation, rewarding - delete as appropriate
What positively influences internal motivation is positive feedback. Feedback on the child's activities, appreciation of his efforts and praise for commitment are a recipe for strengthening internal motivation without the risk of rewarding for rewards. Because the real willingness to act really does not need much to develop further. And what about children who do not engage in attractive or valuable activities? The need for action and development in the most popular classification of needs, the pyramid of Abraham Maslow, stands for a more important need - safety, physiological satisfaction. Taking employees away from their salary means not meeting a fundamental need, which leaves the motivation to act in the background. Similarly, it can be with children who insist that they will not brush their teeth or play with their cousins at a party - it is worth checking if they are not under stress due to unmet needs. It is worth checking out what prevents your child from becoming involved - and help him enjoy carefree action.
Bibliography
Deci, E.L., Koestner, R., Ryan, R.M. (1999). A meta-analytic review of experiments examining the effects of extrinsic rewards on intrinsic motivation. Psychological Bulletin, 125(6), 627-668.
Sekuła, Z. (2008). Motywowanie do pracy: teorie i instrumenty. Warszawa: Polskie Wydawnictwo Ekonomiczne.
Sleep hygiene - take care of a good night's sleep
A sufficient sleep is one that lasts long enough to feel it (defined in Mayo Clinic). In the US National Sleep Foundation study (2000), 65% of respondents declared that sleeping did not meet these criteria, and 50% complained of poor performance and creativity at work due to sleepiness. All these changes in overall quality and total sleep time in society are probably the result of socio-economic development - the pursuit of professional success, the priority treatment of work and the imbalance between work time and private time. Sleep deprivation is a price that many people pay for these changes because they think it is a small part of life. The effects of this price, often serious, are felt much later when it may be too late. Meanwhile, adequate sleep improves learning and problem solving. "Sleep is for the weak" this trend is slowly losing its importance, but it is still a very slight change. To achieve a balance between sleep and other spheres of life, you need to find out what is the appropriate sleep hygiene and what affects its quality. Knowledge about the hygiene of sleep turns into sleep practice, and thus improves the quality of sleep.
Sleep hygiene can be disturbed by two factors:
- irregular sleep and wakefulness schedule,
- disturbing sleep behavior and environment.
The following issues should be taken care of in order to maintain proper sleep hygiene:
1. A comfortable physical environment in which a person sleeps (bed, mattress, pillow, adequate bedding, bedroom - properly illuminated, optimal room temperature);
2. We do not do any important work before bedtime (payment of bills, learning, etc.);
3. We limit the stimulation of activity just before bedtime (e.g. playing video games or surfing the Internet);
4. We do not use substances such as tobacco, alcohol or caffeine within 4 hours before sleeping;
5. We do not plan anything in bed;
6. We do not eat in bed;
7. We do not do tiring exercises within 1 hour before going to sleep;
8. We are not stressed out, furious, upset.
It is worth taking these few points regarding sleep hygiene to heart and try to implement them. This way we increase our effectiveness and give a good example to children that sleep is important at every stage of human life.